Guest post by Olivia McCarthy
A few weeks ago, I published a post on Instagram that went viral-for-me. I used a series of “if…then…” statements to follow the logic of what must also be true if the statement “NFP can be used with a contraceptive mentality” is true. It’s a valuable logical strategy to determine the veracity of a particular statement. My caption for this post simply read, “What else would you add?” and Olivia came back with this post. Her story is one of thousands I have been privileged to receive since starting Total Whine that show the countless ways that NFP is valid Church teaching, and helps couples foster authentic intimacy and openness to the life God has planned for them. I know you’ll enjoy her story!
~Emily
If I have learned anything over the past decade, it’s that the internet loves drama. I do not love drama, so I’m not writing a guest post today to stir the pot, spill tea, or pick apart any specific individual’s words or actions.
Several years ago, I hosted a Catholic women’s podcast called Heart Home Faith and was so honored to have Emily as a guest. I haven’t recorded an episode in years because life has taken me in a different direction, but Emily’s episode remains one with the highest number of plays simply because of her willingness to have conversations around tough topics- even the NFP contraceptive mentality one.
When Emily’s if NFP can be contraceptive then… post went viral, I knew I had something to add to the conversation.
If NFP can be a contraceptive and abstinence is a sin and sex must be given on demand and sex is only for making babies, then… we have reduced women from individuals with valid hopes and dreams made in the image and likeness of an infinitely creative God, to their fertility.
That makes me cringe on a molecular level. Here’s why.
I’m thirty-four. I have five children, I’ve been married for twelve years. (Yes, you math geniuses- I got married at twenty-one and, no, I do not have any regrets about being that young.) When I was sixteen I experienced a horrific hemorrhage during a cycle while sitting in English class. (A hemorrhage is defined as bleeding through one pad an hour. I was going through three in an hour.) I’ve had two miscarriages, one that was sad and heartbreaking and another that was absolutely traumatic. The traumatic one occurred on Christmas day. I’ve wondered why my body is broken, I’ve celebrated when my body has functioned, and I’ve been absolutely confounded when openness to life resulted in a child that was never unwanted or unwelcome, but certainly unplanned.
My relationship with my fertility is complicated at best.
I love my family. Each of my five children provides me with ample opportunities for growing in virtue. Being a mother is a great gift and blessing. But my fertility is not me. I am not my fertility.
Having experienced both the pain of being told I was probably infertile as a teen, and the stress that comes with having to pivot your family into welcoming an unexpected (but never unloved!) addition, I will not allow anyone to peg my worth, holiness, marriage, or womanhood on my fertility. I am so much more. You are so much more.
Remember that infinitely creative Creator God who made the moon, the stars, coral reefs, and perfect baby toes? I am confident that He has not gotten tired of creating. I am certain that God designed women with unique hopes and dreams and that He wants women to use their gifts and talents. The parable of the lamp and the bushel basket makes this point clear. (Matthew 5:14-16).
So to a new and positive if, then statement that ties this all together. If a woman is more than her fertility, then she must be multifaceted, unique, and called to serve God through the desires of her heart which come from Him.
And this positive if, then statement is why I did something that might seem crazy. (Actually, doing anything other than laundry when you have five children probably is a little crazy.) For many years I said things like “I have (insert number 1-5) children, I can’t be called to do that.” I squashed my identity into the products of my fertility and lost sight of myself as a beloved daughter of God with hopes and dreams that have value. Without realizing it, I had taken on some of the same lies that promote the mindset of NFP as contraceptive- and it hurt me, as lies tend to do.
Several years ago I was restless. Something was wrong, and I couldn’t figure out what. I reflected on the tug I kept feeling on my heart and I realized that a specific longing has been there for decades. This little flame of light flickering in the background grew, and grew until I saw it as something I needed to do. Finally, I was done putting my lamp under a bushel basket. I couldn’t stop thinking about using my experiences as an educator and freelance writer in a way that would resonate with the secular world, but still honor what I know to be truth.
This is how I came to write a novel. It’s been a decade in the making, but I did it. Because my faith cannot be separated from who I am, I wrote a secular novel, but one with themes of our faith are intertwined throughout the story. The major theme might sound pretty Catholic: the dignity of the human person. There’s genetics, a colony on Mars, light teen love (nothing explicit!), game theory, political power and abuse of power, self discovery, betrayal and a solidly good male protagonist. I wrote a story for parents to feel comfortable handing to their teen readers, and for Catholics of any age to find and enjoy.
My fight against these diabolical lies has taken a decade. It’s my greatest hope that it will not take anyone else nearly as long as me to squash this poisonous mindset.
So to help, my question to each woman reading this is: what dreams and desires are written on your heart?
If God, who made the entire universe, made you, how are you being asked to use your gifts and talents? What longings has He given you?
The desires and dreams in your heart matter – even when they aren’t directly related to your children or family. Don’t let the “NFP can be contraceptive” mentality get to you. Your fertility is not the sum total of who you are. As a woman, you are worthy of the dreams and longings God has etched on your heart.
Pax,
Olivia McCarthy
Olivia McCarthy lives in Michigan with her husband and five children. Her favorite things include spicy margaritas, tacos, and running semi long distances. She’s worked as a freelance writer in the educational sector, at her parish, and been a stay at home mom. Currently, she writes novels. Her debut full length, young adult, science fiction novel, Reach, explores themes rooted in Catholic tradition in a way that even secular readers can enjoy. You can find Olivia on Instagram @oliviamccarthyauthor.
TOTAL W(H)INE 
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